F**k Off, I'm 50

Don't waste your money on another funny birthday card. Lame. Get her a f**king hilarious BOOK!

Hey, you!

Go delete that humorous wine glass from your shopping cart. (Pssst. Your friend turning 50 already has a dozen of them.) Know what she doesn't have? A poetic license to tell everyone to f**k off.

Get her this book instead, and you'll be elevated to the top of her most exclusive friend circle. She may even share her expensive dark chocolate with you (doubtful), but at least you won't be on her sh*t list. So what are you waiting for? Buy this book today!

Or don't. Be the @$$hole who said, "I almost got you this funny book called F**k Off, I'm 50." See if she ever offers you a ride on her new jet ski. And that vintage casserole dish with the puke-green flowers you forgot at her barbeque-good luck getting that back.

Go ahead. Click add to cart. I'll wait...

Wasn't that easy?

Now that you'll be attending her 50th bash with the best possible present, here's what you write on the card: Guess what? You're 50. That's right. You've elevated from queen to goddess status, which means you officially don't have to take crap from anyone.

And if they don't like it, they can f**k off!

I promise I won't write this part in the book, so she'll think you wrote it. I'm awesome like that. (Actually, I put it on the back of the print book. Sorry. I didn't know what else to write.)

***And to any woman turning 50 who has sh*tty family and friends who are too selfish to buy you this book, go ahead and buy it for yourself. You've made it this far, Goddess. You deserve it.